the five love languages

so before diving into the five love languages the book first addresses a few issues. such as limerance versus real love. limerance is the falling-in-love experience which is completely different than truly being in love.

first, falling in love is not an act of will or conscious choice. second, falling in love is not real love because it is effortless. third, if you are falling in love you are typically not genuinely interested in the personal growth of the other person. any 'purpose' is in terminating your own loneliness (btw i love the phrase terminating your own loneliness :)

falling in love gives you the impression that you've 'made it' and you just need to stay there. this is the point where all the potentially annoyances or flaws are over looked or seen as endearing. what happens when this so called 'honeymoon' stage is over?

it goes on to say that you should be looking for a love that not only unites emotion but also reason. find someone who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving. a love that is intentional.

so yes there can be shooting stars, deep overwhelming emotions but there also needs to be that choice to love. deciding to meet your significant other's deep, emotional need to feel loved.

so. i'll get to talking about the five love languages but first a little yadda yadda from me. throughout this book i began to wonder if applying the concept of speaking your significant other's love language could have saved my relationship. throughout the book though i told myself that it can't be onesided, everyone involved needs to be actively working to choose to love.

then i get to one of the last chapters in the book where the author gives an example of a woman who came in and spoke of how her husband was completely despondent about her and working towards their marriage. didn't want to attend marriage counseling, wouldn't constructively work with her to even discuss how to improve their marriage, etc.

the author then wrote out this plan for her to execute (note her alone):

1. tell your spouse that you have been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting their needs. ask for suggestions on how you could improve.

any suggestions will most likely be a clue to their love language. if not suggestions are made then think of their complaints which should also be able to point to their love language.

2. the for six months focus your attention on their love language. after each month ask for feedback on how your doing and further suggestions.

3. if your spouse indicates that there is an improvement, wait one week and make a specific request. something that you really want your spouse to do for you.

if they do it, you will know that they are responding towards your needs. if they don't, continue to speak their love language.

this process begins with you speaking their love language and hopefully results in them speaking yours in return. hopefully it results in a marriage reborn.

so. i read this chapter and become a little frustrated. over and over again i have heard from people that you can't have a one sided relationship. and i know that the idea of the 'plan' above is that the end result would no longer be a one sided relationship.

anyway. what i'm getting at is periodically i wonder if i should have tried more, stayed longer, etc. i think most everyone in my situation might feel the same way from time to time. this chapter, providing a clear plan to try and get your significant other to respond made me think that way for a moment.

but. i did the right thing. it was absolutely the hardest thing i've done in my life but definitely the right thing.