there are always statues to talk to

in 2005 i traveled alone for a week in eastern europe. there was something spectacular about wandering the streets of a very foreign country, not being able to talk to those around me, and just being along with myself.

sorry i wouldn't let you have the same experience lindy :( i just worry too much.

i give myself permission...

1. i give myself permission to say no.

2. i give myself permission to laugh at myself.

3. i give myself permission to ask for help.

4. i give myself permission to pretend awkward situations didn't 'just' happen.

5. i give myself permission to take a nap.

6. i give myself permission to smile and think about the niece and nephew multiple times throughout the day.

7. i give myself permission to feel guilty for a moment and then get over it.

8. i give myself permission to create my own life.

your fears erased

i kind of am loving this idea :)

it's a wee bit like writing your frustration on the bottom

of your shoe and then taking a determined walk on a gravel road.

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please...hear what i'm not saying

by stephen r. covey (excerpt from the divine center)

don't be fooled by me. don't be fooled by the mask i wear. for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks, masks that i'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled.

i give the impression that i'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and the i'm in command and i need no one. but don't believe it; please don't.

my surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. beneath lies no smugness, no coolness, no complacence. beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. but i hide this; i don't want anybody to know it. i panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. that's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. but such a glance is precisely my salvation. my only salvation. and i know it. it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that i so painstakingly create. but i don't tell you this. i don't dare. i am afraid to.

i'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance. i'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh will kill me. i'm afraid that deep down inside i'm nothing, that i'm just not good, and that you'll see and reject me. so play my games, my desperate pretending games, with a facade of assurance on the outside and a trembling child within. and so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. and my life becomes a front.

i idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. i tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me. so when i'm going through my routine don't be fooled by what i'm saying. please listen carefully and try to hear what i'm NOT saying; what i'd like to be able to say; what, for survivual, i need to say but i can't say. i dislike the hiding. honestly i do. i dislike the superficial phony games i'm playing.

i'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. you have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing i seem to want or need. each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. very small wings. very feeble wings. but wings. with your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, i can make it. you can breathe life into me. it will not be easy for you. a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. but love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive and i am a child.

who am i, you may wonder. for i am every man, every woman, every child...every human you meet.

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i've totally been feeling this way lately. geared up and excited for life when inevitably something says...'yeah that's not happening'. i'm going to be stubborn though and keep getting pumped up about life. care to join in? :)

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this strange unwelcomed guest

pain stayed so long i said to him today,

"i will not have you with me any more."

i stamped my foot and said, "be on your way"

and paused there, startled at the look he wore.

"i, who have been your friend," he said to me,

"i, who have been your teacher-all you know

of understanding love, of sympathy,

and patience, i have taught you. shall i go?"

he spoke the truth, this strange unwelcomed guest;

i watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.

he left a heart grown tender in my breast,

he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.

i dried my tears, and lifted up a song-

even for one who'd tortured me so long.

-author unknown

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burn it down

a few years ago my besties jessica, lamia and i spent hours helping lamia's mom sort through boxes and boxes of paper. we saved necessary documents and piled up everything else. in retrospect what happened next wasn't very environmentally friendly...oh well.

we took the boxes up to my parent's cabin and began to burn everything in the fire pit. lamia's mom said it felt so good to have that weight lifted off her shoulders, crossed off her list, no longer on her mind. we burned old bank statements, check books, utility bills, the list goes on.

with my yoga teacher training i've gotten to practice a lot of meditation...which is amazing.

the other day i was walked through a scenario where i started out in my mental refuge (if you don't have one yet you should get one whether it's an exotic beach, your favorite city, the mountains, etc...because EVERYONE needs an escape).

she had me walk up a hill until i came to a clearing. then asked me to walk around and find anything that i've been unnecessarily holding onto. gather any past experiences/events/confrontations/

disappointments/self doubts/etc. that are no longer useful to me and bring them to the middle of the clearing. make sure you have carefully looked around and gathered everything you can find.

next pick up a container of gasoline and pour it all over the pile. take a match. light the match. burn the pile. watch everything burn.

notice the brightness of the fire. listen to the crackling as everything burns. can you smell the fire?

it took me awhile for the fire to burn down. make sure to stay until everything is ash. don't let anything remain behind. a slight wind comes and even the ash is blown away.

take a deep inhale and then slowly exhale.

all those things we unnecessarily hold on to in life...yes they contribute to the people we are but once they've served their purpose, once we've grown and lived through them, we must let them go.

walk away from the clearing feeling lighter, happier, carefree :)

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garage sweethearts

i found these pics on tumblr.com and have no idea who took/did them or where they came from but they are just oh so cute...

chin up!

just like everybody else i sometimes become stressed, freak out about the future or just feel sad. when this occurs i typically start in with the self-deprecating behavior. for example i start to sleep too much, eat mass amounts of chocolate, listen to sad music, etc. when used in moderation all these things can be helpful...my problem is moderation :)

so. what to do. well, here are five (of many) things that have been proven to help me time and time again:

1. yoga. love it love it love it. even if i'm in a place that i can't do yoga, i can do yoga breathing and my body naturally starts to relax as if i were actually doing yoga.

2. talk to someone. i have an awesome support system (you know who you are :). when tension or anxiety starts to build i just call someone and talk it out. every single time i'm essentially 100% better when i get off the phone.

3. exercise. i'm not a runner but if i'm feeling down running makes me feel so powerful, alive, healthy, etc. do something active with a friend. take a walk. i love walking and noticing things around me. i particularly like walking through older neighborhoods (i.e. center street in provo was an old haunt of mine). find a place you like and make it a go to place to de-stress.

4. shower. typically when sad or stressed i'm not feeling too great about myself. so i take a hot shower, shave, use apricot scrub, condition my hair for a few extra minutes, etc. afterwards i take my time putting on lotion, doing my hair (which doesn't require much for me), get dressed cute or comfy...you'll know which you require. now you've taken the initiative to pamper and take care of yourself, you're spirits will recognize this.

5. organize. this is definitely not one for everyone. if the prospect of cleaning or getting organized stresses you out...skip it. it's not important. for me if i tidy my room, change my sheets, make the bed, fold and hang up my clothes i feel like i've accomplished something, taken control.

side note. i was hanging out with my good friend duard the other day who brilliantly said, "i need to be content with the great things in my life." love it. i'm working to remember that :)

so. what helps you when stressed/sad/anxious/etc.?

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