i originally heard this version of be still my soul in an episode of alias. i loved it. it has been running through my head again for a couple of weeks now. still love it.

please...hear what i'm not saying

by stephen r. covey (excerpt from the divine center)

don't be fooled by me. don't be fooled by the mask i wear. for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks, masks that i'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled.

i give the impression that i'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and the i'm in command and i need no one. but don't believe it; please don't.

my surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. beneath lies no smugness, no coolness, no complacence. beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. but i hide this; i don't want anybody to know it. i panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. that's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. but such a glance is precisely my salvation. my only salvation. and i know it. it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that i so painstakingly create. but i don't tell you this. i don't dare. i am afraid to.

i'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance. i'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh will kill me. i'm afraid that deep down inside i'm nothing, that i'm just not good, and that you'll see and reject me. so play my games, my desperate pretending games, with a facade of assurance on the outside and a trembling child within. and so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. and my life becomes a front.

i idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. i tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me. so when i'm going through my routine don't be fooled by what i'm saying. please listen carefully and try to hear what i'm NOT saying; what i'd like to be able to say; what, for survivual, i need to say but i can't say. i dislike the hiding. honestly i do. i dislike the superficial phony games i'm playing.

i'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. you have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing i seem to want or need. each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. very small wings. very feeble wings. but wings. with your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, i can make it. you can breathe life into me. it will not be easy for you. a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. but love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive and i am a child.

who am i, you may wonder. for i am every man, every woman, every child...every human you meet.

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this strange unwelcomed guest

pain stayed so long i said to him today,

"i will not have you with me any more."

i stamped my foot and said, "be on your way"

and paused there, startled at the look he wore.

"i, who have been your friend," he said to me,

"i, who have been your teacher-all you know

of understanding love, of sympathy,

and patience, i have taught you. shall i go?"

he spoke the truth, this strange unwelcomed guest;

i watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.

he left a heart grown tender in my breast,

he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.

i dried my tears, and lifted up a song-

even for one who'd tortured me so long.

-author unknown

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life's catalog of a thousand kinds of sorrow

one aspect of yoga that i love is how accepting people can be. now you won't find this everywhere unfortunately, however my greatest yoga experiences have come from teachers that help you to feel powerful, unique and loved everytime you come to class.

although it's difficult to remember, i'm consistently trying to keep that idea in mind...help those i come in contact with (in every aspect of life) to feel powerful, unique and loved.

i'm working on it. and as i'm working on it i've come across some inspiring readings, quotes etc:

'always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.' plato

'lots of people on your right hand and on your left are carrying bumps and bruises that they hope will be healed and made whole. someone you know is carrying a spiritual or physical or emotional burden of some sort, or some other affliction drawn from life's catalog of a thousand kinds of sorrow. in the spirit of Christ, jump into this work. help people. heal old wounds and try to make things better' elder jeffrey r. holland

'when we finally begin to really "see" each other, to honor, respect and revere what each of us has to offer and who each of us really is, and to allow others to fulfill the piece that we were not meant to fulfill ourselves, then we can more easily leave any fear behind and begin to come together as a whole.' karen bishop

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