books at play.

yep. there's nothing quite like a real book.

survivor from the wreck of childhood.

just finished.  completely lovely.

"nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you."



p.s. her husband is jonathan safran foer.

melendy quartet.

so it's been a summer of reading.  i read the four books of the melendy quartet series by elizabeth enright and love it.  


it reminds me of my childhood when my sisters and i would spend hours making potions with mint leaves and flower petals, use all the drawers and bookcases making houses for our barbies, pretending the chicken coops were our apartments, playing traffic cops on our bikes and big wheels.  nothing involving ipods or tvs.


the books are about relatively normal kids who play and fight together, have passions (moths, shakespeare, piano, etc), collect scrap metal for the war effort, and...shocker...use better vocabulary than many college graduates today.  the filler word 'like' does not make an appearance.


anyway.  i will be making sure that niece and nephew are read these books and highly recommend them to anyone.  i have all four if anyone wants to borrow them (after i get the first one back from polly :)

"budge up yeh great lump."

i'm reading these to prepare for this.  i'm really excited.


let me just say that even though i've read some of these books 3 or 4 times, i still get anxious during the intense parts...especially book three.  my head keeps screaming, 'if only_______!' and, 'if only _______!' and so forth.


ah la la la la.


so good. 

north and south.

if you haven't seen this...you probably should. and. i'm putting the book on the reading list.

[source ]

newbery medal winners book group

so i created a book group on facebook. a group to read the newbery medal winners from 2001 to 2010. it's just casual, read what books you can. and a good excuse to throw a party at the end of the summer.

i just finished my first book:

overall i enjoyed it. the author loved the book 'wrinkle in time' when she was younger (as did/do i) and incorporated it into this book. the main character, miranda, discusses time travel throughout and at one point receives a signed copy of a 'wrinkle in time'...way cool. miranda's relationships with her mom, friends and those she encounters in new york city.

pretty easy and entertaining read.

the five love languages

so before diving into the five love languages the book first addresses a few issues. such as limerance versus real love. limerance is the falling-in-love experience which is completely different than truly being in love.

first, falling in love is not an act of will or conscious choice. second, falling in love is not real love because it is effortless. third, if you are falling in love you are typically not genuinely interested in the personal growth of the other person. any 'purpose' is in terminating your own loneliness (btw i love the phrase terminating your own loneliness :)

falling in love gives you the impression that you've 'made it' and you just need to stay there. this is the point where all the potentially annoyances or flaws are over looked or seen as endearing. what happens when this so called 'honeymoon' stage is over?

it goes on to say that you should be looking for a love that not only unites emotion but also reason. find someone who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving. a love that is intentional.

so yes there can be shooting stars, deep overwhelming emotions but there also needs to be that choice to love. deciding to meet your significant other's deep, emotional need to feel loved.

so. i'll get to talking about the five love languages but first a little yadda yadda from me. throughout this book i began to wonder if applying the concept of speaking your significant other's love language could have saved my relationship. throughout the book though i told myself that it can't be onesided, everyone involved needs to be actively working to choose to love.

then i get to one of the last chapters in the book where the author gives an example of a woman who came in and spoke of how her husband was completely despondent about her and working towards their marriage. didn't want to attend marriage counseling, wouldn't constructively work with her to even discuss how to improve their marriage, etc.

the author then wrote out this plan for her to execute (note her alone):

1. tell your spouse that you have been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting their needs. ask for suggestions on how you could improve.

any suggestions will most likely be a clue to their love language. if not suggestions are made then think of their complaints which should also be able to point to their love language.

2. the for six months focus your attention on their love language. after each month ask for feedback on how your doing and further suggestions.

3. if your spouse indicates that there is an improvement, wait one week and make a specific request. something that you really want your spouse to do for you.

if they do it, you will know that they are responding towards your needs. if they don't, continue to speak their love language.

this process begins with you speaking their love language and hopefully results in them speaking yours in return. hopefully it results in a marriage reborn.

so. i read this chapter and become a little frustrated. over and over again i have heard from people that you can't have a one sided relationship. and i know that the idea of the 'plan' above is that the end result would no longer be a one sided relationship.

anyway. what i'm getting at is periodically i wonder if i should have tried more, stayed longer, etc. i think most everyone in my situation might feel the same way from time to time. this chapter, providing a clear plan to try and get your significant other to respond made me think that way for a moment.

but. i did the right thing. it was absolutely the hardest thing i've done in my life but definitely the right thing.

the five love languages

next book on the relationship circuit...the five love languages.

so my old boss/relationship guru teresa gave me this book after i got out of a serious long relationship. again she said i needed to read it and that it would seriously help in having successful future relationships.

there is a quiz in the back of the book which helps you identify your love language and of course i promptly took it (not having read the book). my answers were all over the place and inconclusive. my mom said that having been in a relationship that failed i probably couldn't very accurately identify my love language (in fact the book also mentions that if your 'love tank' has been seriously low for an extended period of time it will be difficult to discover your love language).

so about a year later...take two. according to the book (and author gary chapman) there are five love languages:

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

most people speak one of these love languages (in some cases you can be bilingual). the key is to find out your significant other's love language and learn to speak that to them.

for example if your significant other loves spending time together; whether that's taking a walk in the evening, sitting and talking on the couch or even doing an activity they'd like (bike ride!!); then you make sure to take the time and do that for them.

the point made by the book is that if you can speak your significant other's love language and they can speak yours then each of your 'love tanks' will stay full. which results in a loving successful relationship.

this book was a much quicker read than the last primarily because it had quite a few interesting stories that he then used as examples for applying the five love languages.

i have also been quizzing a lot of my friends about their love language which is very very entertaining :)

if love is a game, these are the rules

last post on this book! cheers :)

chapter 9 - renewal is the key to longevity. there is a small section in this chapter on repairing broken trust:

"if it was you who betrayed your partner's trust, it will also be you who will bear the burden of earning back that trust. your partner will need to work toward forgiveness, but you will be the one whose actions determine whether your relationship is regenerated or destroyed"

yikes, so i guess the first thing to do here is to not betray someone's trust.

if it does happen the book also states that, "there is no damage that cannot be repaired if both partners are willing...to reopen their hearts to each other"

i just don't want to be the one asking someone to reopen their heart and try to trust me again. so again don't betray someone's trust.

moving on to a different way to a long successful relationship is to celebrate.

the book states first off that a wedding ceremony, aside from the obvious purposes, creates a marker in your relationship. that day is when you chose to unite. each subsequent anniversary should take you back to think on your reasons for getting married and to celebrate!

celebrate the small things...inside jokes, small rituals, the small things in your life and with your relationship.

chapter 10 - you will forget all this the moment you fall in love (oh great)

"you will need to keep some semblance of rational behavior to protect yourself from any potential, damage, be it physical or emotional. you alone are responsible for your own heart and boy, and you will need your head at times to guide you to ensure your overall best interest"

the statement is a little bit sobering but there's truth to it, "love lures us out of reality and into the realm of fantasy. it acts like a drug creating an altered state of consciousness"

as you do enter a relationship please make sure that you don't lose yourself in 'we'.

"within the context of a 'we' reality, requires you to remember what it is that makes you uniquely you"

so my verdict for if love is a game, these are the rules definitely something that should be read if you have issues getting into or maintaining a relationship.

the book helped me to think on what kind of significant other i'm looking for and personal issues/habits/etc that hurt me in relationships...example: i'm timid about confrontation (communication problems), low self esteem (the book really buys in on love yourself and others will love you), i need to learn how to say what i want (flexing the 'want' muscle :)

next relationship self help book? five love languages

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

chapter 6...negotiation.

"if you or your partner do not feel safe to disagree with the other, then opposing desires or needs may be suppressed, only to resurface later as resentments"...uh i totally did that.

it took to much effort to communicate (see prior post on communication) and when i did disagree it was a painful process so i would just typically just leave it alone. you can only let things slide so many times though until it breaks through...horiffically breaks though.

"it's ok to disagree. it is also permissible to argue at times. if you are fighting to resolve rather than fighting to win, then arguments can be a healthy way of releasing the emotions surrounding the disagreement. what is unacceptable is hurting the one you love just to be right"

oh that last line is a doozy. it feels so good to be right yeah? well for a few seconds. and then you see what your victory has won; someone you love is now defeated and probably sad. you cared more about the victory than them. ugh. which leads into creating win-win situations never win-lose.

chapters 7 & 8 deal with change and nurturing your relationship.

so there's dating, marriage, honeymoon phase and then life hits. suddenly it irritates you to no end that your significant other can leave an empty mcdonalds cup sitting on the coffee table for 3 days without being inspired to throw it away...yes the honeymoon is over.

chapter 8 takes about refocusing on the reasons you feel in love with the person. moving negative thoughts to positive thoughts. i thought this was cute:

an elderly friend [said] to pause in those moments that you feel especially loving toward your significant other and to make a list of qualities you appreciate about them. that way, whenever they annoy, anger, or frustrate you, there is a list to refer to to keep yourself aligned with your true feelings.

a little self manipulative but very necessary to maintain that relationship.

reciprocity. everyone keeps a mental tally either consciously or unconsciously. just make sure that if it is out of balance it is addressed. a friend of mine said that if you are each taking care of each other then both of you are taken care of.

and be kind. "kindness is simply the act of opening your heart and being genuinely good to someone else"

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

so later on in chapter 4, relationships provide opportunities to grow, i learned that i have porous boundaries and to fix this need to stand up for myself. nice to know, harder to fix.

then on into chapter 5, communicating is essential. totally...this one is HUGE for me. they actually provide 10 steps:

1. know what you want to communicate

2. know what outcome you want from the conversation

3. chose the right time and place

4. release the emotion surrounding the message

5. set the stage

6. speak from your feelings (not judgments)

7. deliver message in syntax and language the recipient can understand

8. ask for information, clarification, and feedback

9. switch roles as necessary

10. obtain closure

historically for me i know i need to focus on what i want to communicate and what i want the communication to result in (steps 1 & 2). if it's a serious topic i tend to get anxious, lose my train of thought and eventually back down (enter in standing up for myself :)

so to help i have tried to write out what i want to communicate. i have done this many times with the idea that if i just tell him these things it will get better...not true. i need to also figure out what i want the outcome to be (the actual goal of communicating).

the book reminds you that if your communication does break down it's important to 'figure out what went wrong' and 'take responsibility'.

try to eliminate assumptions, which rob us of the communication process and overall just make everything really messy. if you keep assuming that you know your significant other well enough to know their opinion and then your wrong it's like a double punch to the face.

to fix it? awareness, examination and communication. wait, assuming is a faulty type of communication and communication is how you fix it? brilliant. essentially the book gives an example that you need to spell it out for your significant other sometimes. if you want roses for valentines day you probably should say so.

when communicating it's muy importante to withhold judgement and react without being defensive. woah.

"a safe and supportive environment opens the lines of communication and deepens the intimacy between the partners, while a threatening environment shuts down communication and creates a gap between them"

to make the environment safe? withhold judgement

another goodie..."if you encourage your partner to tell the truth, you must in turn be willing to hear it" zing.

listening to a point of view other than your own does not automatically invalidate your point of view.

those moments when you need to withhold judgement or the gut instinct to become defensive "are the moments you must chose in a split second whether to take a step toward intimacy by listening without judging or toward damage by reacting with defensiveness, anger or criticism."

a huge thing that i need to learn to do is be able to tell someone what i want (refer to top and standing up for myself :) the book recommends that you practice exercising your I WANT muscle. start small. i don't want to watch that show, i want ice cream (for future reference prior statement is always true), etc.

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

chapter 2 - partnering is a choice

what does that mean? you need to take action and be decisive.

i'm guilty once again. i'm not quite the go getter when it comes to relationships. i historically have let what happens happens.

i now know that i need to take action. first, know what i want. second, create my vision. third, recognize what might be in my way. and fourth, manifest my intention.

one thing i loved about this chapter is the 'sample list' they provide. an imaginary girl 'jennifer' lists things that her significant other must have, her wish list and knock outs.

must haves are self explanatory...the person must possess those traits or it's a no go. wish list are items that would be nice if that person possessed but not completely necessary (example loves to travel). knock outs are items that if possessed allow you to easily recognize that they aren't for you.

since reading this i've been casually asking people what some of their 'must haves' are. most people don't have a set list...if you are one of those i encourage you to spend sometime thinking about it! it can be fun, feel free to call me and we can chat about it!!

my brother's list is pretty basic...virtuous and hardworking (with a little frugality added in :)

maybe i shouldn't post my (constantly changing) list but here goes:

honors priesthood

does not have a temper

can be spontaneous

will to/quick to serve others

sense of humor

wants to be happy, smiles

hardworking

enjoys small things

makes goals, completes goals

strong

there are other things like - willing to work on the relationship, open minded/not judgey, wants to be a father, etc. making the list is way hard. but i'm working on it. i also do think having the knockout or no go list is important too. for me big ones would be - does not like my family (not that it's possible to not like my family :) and is quick to anger.

anyway...what's on your list? if you're married, what are qualities that you love/appreciate about your spouse? help a girl out yeah? :)

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

my old boss (and relationship guru) teresa recommended this book to me and stated i had to read it before getting into another relationship. she said that over a year ago...yikes!! i'm going to assume that's the reason why i've been boyfriend-less all this time :)

so all you boys out there, nay all you MEN out there i've read the book and i'm ready for you.

ha.

anyways so for my take on the book. it lays out 10 rules:

1. you must love yourself first

2. partnering is a choice

3. creating love is a process

4. relationships provide opportunities to grow

5. communication is essential

6. negotiation will be required

7. your relationship will be challenged by change

8. you must nurture the relationship for it to thrive

9. renewal is the key to longevity

10. you will forget all this the moment you fall in love

under the chapter 'you must love yourself first' it talks about self fulfilling prophecies. for example if you believe you aren't special you won't be treated as special. essentially you need to accept yourself and yes love yourself. build up your self worth.

this is definitely something i should be working on. unfortunately my self esteem has been a wee bit low lately. the first step to over coming this is acknowledging this fact yeah?

there is this amazing article by sheri dew from the 2001 byu women's conference titled 'knowing who you are - and who you have always been' [link ]. i think women should probably read it at least once of month.

"if we could comprehend how glorious a righteous woman made perfect in the celestial kingdom will be, we would rise up and never be the same again"

"my dear sisters, will you seek to remember with the help of the holy ghost who you are and who you have always been? will you remember that you stood by our savior without flinching? remember that you were reserved for now because you would have the courage and determination to face the world at its worst and to help rear and lead a chosen generation. remember the covenants you have made and the power they carry. remember that you are noble and great and a potential heir of all our father has. remember that you are the daughter of a king."

powerful stuff yeah? i'm not sure exactly how to truly build self worth. yes the book talks about treating yourself how others should treat you, self care, blah-blah-blah...but remembering our divine nature is probably going to uplift us the most.

so ladies, i think you're gorgeous, amazing, brilliant but most importantly you are loved...just as you are :)

p.s.

this post took a life of its own so i'll do more of the book later.

p.p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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