if love is a game, these are the rules

so later on in chapter 4, relationships provide opportunities to grow, i learned that i have porous boundaries and to fix this need to stand up for myself. nice to know, harder to fix.

then on into chapter 5, communicating is essential. totally...this one is HUGE for me. they actually provide 10 steps:

1. know what you want to communicate

2. know what outcome you want from the conversation

3. chose the right time and place

4. release the emotion surrounding the message

5. set the stage

6. speak from your feelings (not judgments)

7. deliver message in syntax and language the recipient can understand

8. ask for information, clarification, and feedback

9. switch roles as necessary

10. obtain closure

historically for me i know i need to focus on what i want to communicate and what i want the communication to result in (steps 1 & 2). if it's a serious topic i tend to get anxious, lose my train of thought and eventually back down (enter in standing up for myself :)

so to help i have tried to write out what i want to communicate. i have done this many times with the idea that if i just tell him these things it will get better...not true. i need to also figure out what i want the outcome to be (the actual goal of communicating).

the book reminds you that if your communication does break down it's important to 'figure out what went wrong' and 'take responsibility'.

try to eliminate assumptions, which rob us of the communication process and overall just make everything really messy. if you keep assuming that you know your significant other well enough to know their opinion and then your wrong it's like a double punch to the face.

to fix it? awareness, examination and communication. wait, assuming is a faulty type of communication and communication is how you fix it? brilliant. essentially the book gives an example that you need to spell it out for your significant other sometimes. if you want roses for valentines day you probably should say so.

when communicating it's muy importante to withhold judgement and react without being defensive. woah.

"a safe and supportive environment opens the lines of communication and deepens the intimacy between the partners, while a threatening environment shuts down communication and creates a gap between them"

to make the environment safe? withhold judgement

another goodie..."if you encourage your partner to tell the truth, you must in turn be willing to hear it" zing.

listening to a point of view other than your own does not automatically invalidate your point of view.

those moments when you need to withhold judgement or the gut instinct to become defensive "are the moments you must chose in a split second whether to take a step toward intimacy by listening without judging or toward damage by reacting with defensiveness, anger or criticism."

a huge thing that i need to learn to do is be able to tell someone what i want (refer to top and standing up for myself :) the book recommends that you practice exercising your I WANT muscle. start small. i don't want to watch that show, i want ice cream (for future reference prior statement is always true), etc.

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[pic ]