oh the awkward things in life

this is how i constantly felt about les bisous in france. which side do you go to first?! and if you both go to the same side...way way awkward.

your fears erased

i kind of am loving this idea :)

it's a wee bit like writing your frustration on the bottom

of your shoe and then taking a determined walk on a gravel road.

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please...hear what i'm not saying

by stephen r. covey (excerpt from the divine center)

don't be fooled by me. don't be fooled by the mask i wear. for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks, masks that i'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled.

i give the impression that i'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and the i'm in command and i need no one. but don't believe it; please don't.

my surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. beneath lies no smugness, no coolness, no complacence. beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. but i hide this; i don't want anybody to know it. i panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. that's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. but such a glance is precisely my salvation. my only salvation. and i know it. it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that i so painstakingly create. but i don't tell you this. i don't dare. i am afraid to.

i'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance. i'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh will kill me. i'm afraid that deep down inside i'm nothing, that i'm just not good, and that you'll see and reject me. so play my games, my desperate pretending games, with a facade of assurance on the outside and a trembling child within. and so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. and my life becomes a front.

i idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. i tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me. so when i'm going through my routine don't be fooled by what i'm saying. please listen carefully and try to hear what i'm NOT saying; what i'd like to be able to say; what, for survivual, i need to say but i can't say. i dislike the hiding. honestly i do. i dislike the superficial phony games i'm playing.

i'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. you have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing i seem to want or need. each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. very small wings. very feeble wings. but wings. with your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, i can make it. you can breathe life into me. it will not be easy for you. a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. but love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive and i am a child.

who am i, you may wonder. for i am every man, every woman, every child...every human you meet.

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fishtail braid

i'm going to try this...unfortunately it probably won't work

because my hair is too thin but we'll see :)

UPDATE: so it totally just looked like a screwed up braid.

bummer. sisters...when you get here be prepared to be braided.

beautiful city photography

pisa, italy

paris, france

jerusalem, israel

tokyo, japan

pisa, italy

[ source ]

texas my texas

to get a little sentimental....(i wish the randalls were around to say TEXAS right now :)

my family is moving from flower mound, texas to washougal, wa. for reference it is apparently 20 minutes from portland airport.

we lived in texas for approximately 15 years. most of my attachment is to our house there.

- sliding down the nest stairs in plastic tubs until colton almost broke the banister.

- genny and i climbing out the window after making a rope of sheets (in which i correctly used a surgeon's knot...take that boy scouts).

- taking the blue kiddie pool into the actual pool and sinking it again and again and again.

- playing come to court and having everyone (who was not a pace) fall on the final stair because it was the only uncarpeted one.

- carefully looking through the ranch to our house to see the christmas tree while driving down wichita trail.

- having nelson take a bite out of genny's head while driving down wichita trail.

- building the tree house with dad and the todds.

- spending summers perfecting our dives into the pool.

- painting our toenails during general conference while sitting on the deck with melissa and christina.

- running through the fields before all the surrounding neighborhoods were put in.

- exploring the old beached boats just off the grapevine bike trail.

- making the raft/dock with nelson.

- taking care of the chickens while dad was away and discovering a raccoon had ripped apart about 20 of them.

- finding the awesome rope swing over a stream past the pratt and skagg's neighborhood.

- the christmas garland mom would put up on all the banisters.

- rollerblading in the abandoned ice factory before it was torn down.

- catching the cottonmouth in the garage, cutting it's head off with a shovel and leaving the twitching body in a ziplock bag for mom to find :)

- personal priesthood interviews in dad's office.

- roswell party with antennas, enchiladas and alien head balloons.

- in fact watching roswell upstairs with a blanket over us and the tv so mom wouldn't see the reflection in the windows downstairs.

- the awesome water pressure in the girls bathroom (boys we've tried to keep this a secret from you :)

- mom flooding the laundry room 2 years in a row trying to defrost the turkey.

- colton as 'mudman'

- putting up christmas lights in the dorm room (anytime of the year)

- donut palace

- walking to albertsons with christina to get girls camp candy

- camping on the ranch only to have boys come and collapse our tent twice turning the night (lauren thought the horses were attacking us :)

- seeing the dallas skyline from the top of the house before they put the roof on.

- septic sprinklers.

- running along side the truck while balancing the chicken coop.

- practicing the piano only after dinner to get out of clean up.

- pace family work projects

- lighting candles for santa and everyone sleeping the dorm room on christmas eve.

- back to the future pinball

- making lego houses and expecting that your brothers wouldn't destroy them (not rational).

- coming home from college to a waiting pot of tortilla soup.

- senior year and aussie pies.

- taking turns trying to wake up lorin.

- rope swing into the lake.

- little colton falling asleep in the family room on the floor or couch almost every night.

- eating tinfoil dinners on the trampoline.

- christina saving my foot from a leech (ugh so so so so gross).

- painting the big toy every summer.

- zip line across the lake!

- moose moose and signs.

- nelson's immaculate room (until colton :)

- the christmas we had the sister missionaries over and the lake froze over a bit.

- easter egg hunts on the ranch with metallic eggs hidden in cow pies.

- the red truck

i get to go back one last time, june 6 - 11. i plan to swim, ride the zip line, swing on the barn swing, arrange a touch football game, eat at donut palace, etc.

if you have fond memories of texas, feel free to add to my list...i will :)

gyllenhaal

ghostbusters

these days - nico

love you monday!!

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ma soeur valery

happy birthday my sister!!!!

the photo above was found at my great grandma and grandpa colton's house after my great grandpa moved out. left to right...me, lorin and birthday girl valery...circa a long time ago.

i think my heavenly father knew that i would need an older sister who'd be an example to me on how to live compassionately, beautifully, artistically, spiritually, lovingly, happily, ... the list goes on.

i love you my sister so so much and can't wait to spend beaucoup de temps avec you this summer!

if love is a game, these are the rules

last post on this book! cheers :)

chapter 9 - renewal is the key to longevity. there is a small section in this chapter on repairing broken trust:

"if it was you who betrayed your partner's trust, it will also be you who will bear the burden of earning back that trust. your partner will need to work toward forgiveness, but you will be the one whose actions determine whether your relationship is regenerated or destroyed"

yikes, so i guess the first thing to do here is to not betray someone's trust.

if it does happen the book also states that, "there is no damage that cannot be repaired if both partners are willing...to reopen their hearts to each other"

i just don't want to be the one asking someone to reopen their heart and try to trust me again. so again don't betray someone's trust.

moving on to a different way to a long successful relationship is to celebrate.

the book states first off that a wedding ceremony, aside from the obvious purposes, creates a marker in your relationship. that day is when you chose to unite. each subsequent anniversary should take you back to think on your reasons for getting married and to celebrate!

celebrate the small things...inside jokes, small rituals, the small things in your life and with your relationship.

chapter 10 - you will forget all this the moment you fall in love (oh great)

"you will need to keep some semblance of rational behavior to protect yourself from any potential, damage, be it physical or emotional. you alone are responsible for your own heart and boy, and you will need your head at times to guide you to ensure your overall best interest"

the statement is a little bit sobering but there's truth to it, "love lures us out of reality and into the realm of fantasy. it acts like a drug creating an altered state of consciousness"

as you do enter a relationship please make sure that you don't lose yourself in 'we'.

"within the context of a 'we' reality, requires you to remember what it is that makes you uniquely you"

so my verdict for if love is a game, these are the rules definitely something that should be read if you have issues getting into or maintaining a relationship.

the book helped me to think on what kind of significant other i'm looking for and personal issues/habits/etc that hurt me in relationships...example: i'm timid about confrontation (communication problems), low self esteem (the book really buys in on love yourself and others will love you), i need to learn how to say what i want (flexing the 'want' muscle :)

next relationship self help book? five love languages

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

chapter 6...negotiation.

"if you or your partner do not feel safe to disagree with the other, then opposing desires or needs may be suppressed, only to resurface later as resentments"...uh i totally did that.

it took to much effort to communicate (see prior post on communication) and when i did disagree it was a painful process so i would just typically just leave it alone. you can only let things slide so many times though until it breaks through...horiffically breaks though.

"it's ok to disagree. it is also permissible to argue at times. if you are fighting to resolve rather than fighting to win, then arguments can be a healthy way of releasing the emotions surrounding the disagreement. what is unacceptable is hurting the one you love just to be right"

oh that last line is a doozy. it feels so good to be right yeah? well for a few seconds. and then you see what your victory has won; someone you love is now defeated and probably sad. you cared more about the victory than them. ugh. which leads into creating win-win situations never win-lose.

chapters 7 & 8 deal with change and nurturing your relationship.

so there's dating, marriage, honeymoon phase and then life hits. suddenly it irritates you to no end that your significant other can leave an empty mcdonalds cup sitting on the coffee table for 3 days without being inspired to throw it away...yes the honeymoon is over.

chapter 8 takes about refocusing on the reasons you feel in love with the person. moving negative thoughts to positive thoughts. i thought this was cute:

an elderly friend [said] to pause in those moments that you feel especially loving toward your significant other and to make a list of qualities you appreciate about them. that way, whenever they annoy, anger, or frustrate you, there is a list to refer to to keep yourself aligned with your true feelings.

a little self manipulative but very necessary to maintain that relationship.

reciprocity. everyone keeps a mental tally either consciously or unconsciously. just make sure that if it is out of balance it is addressed. a friend of mine said that if you are each taking care of each other then both of you are taken care of.

and be kind. "kindness is simply the act of opening your heart and being genuinely good to someone else"

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

so later on in chapter 4, relationships provide opportunities to grow, i learned that i have porous boundaries and to fix this need to stand up for myself. nice to know, harder to fix.

then on into chapter 5, communicating is essential. totally...this one is HUGE for me. they actually provide 10 steps:

1. know what you want to communicate

2. know what outcome you want from the conversation

3. chose the right time and place

4. release the emotion surrounding the message

5. set the stage

6. speak from your feelings (not judgments)

7. deliver message in syntax and language the recipient can understand

8. ask for information, clarification, and feedback

9. switch roles as necessary

10. obtain closure

historically for me i know i need to focus on what i want to communicate and what i want the communication to result in (steps 1 & 2). if it's a serious topic i tend to get anxious, lose my train of thought and eventually back down (enter in standing up for myself :)

so to help i have tried to write out what i want to communicate. i have done this many times with the idea that if i just tell him these things it will get better...not true. i need to also figure out what i want the outcome to be (the actual goal of communicating).

the book reminds you that if your communication does break down it's important to 'figure out what went wrong' and 'take responsibility'.

try to eliminate assumptions, which rob us of the communication process and overall just make everything really messy. if you keep assuming that you know your significant other well enough to know their opinion and then your wrong it's like a double punch to the face.

to fix it? awareness, examination and communication. wait, assuming is a faulty type of communication and communication is how you fix it? brilliant. essentially the book gives an example that you need to spell it out for your significant other sometimes. if you want roses for valentines day you probably should say so.

when communicating it's muy importante to withhold judgement and react without being defensive. woah.

"a safe and supportive environment opens the lines of communication and deepens the intimacy between the partners, while a threatening environment shuts down communication and creates a gap between them"

to make the environment safe? withhold judgement

another goodie..."if you encourage your partner to tell the truth, you must in turn be willing to hear it" zing.

listening to a point of view other than your own does not automatically invalidate your point of view.

those moments when you need to withhold judgement or the gut instinct to become defensive "are the moments you must chose in a split second whether to take a step toward intimacy by listening without judging or toward damage by reacting with defensiveness, anger or criticism."

a huge thing that i need to learn to do is be able to tell someone what i want (refer to top and standing up for myself :) the book recommends that you practice exercising your I WANT muscle. start small. i don't want to watch that show, i want ice cream (for future reference prior statement is always true), etc.

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

chapter 2 - partnering is a choice

what does that mean? you need to take action and be decisive.

i'm guilty once again. i'm not quite the go getter when it comes to relationships. i historically have let what happens happens.

i now know that i need to take action. first, know what i want. second, create my vision. third, recognize what might be in my way. and fourth, manifest my intention.

one thing i loved about this chapter is the 'sample list' they provide. an imaginary girl 'jennifer' lists things that her significant other must have, her wish list and knock outs.

must haves are self explanatory...the person must possess those traits or it's a no go. wish list are items that would be nice if that person possessed but not completely necessary (example loves to travel). knock outs are items that if possessed allow you to easily recognize that they aren't for you.

since reading this i've been casually asking people what some of their 'must haves' are. most people don't have a set list...if you are one of those i encourage you to spend sometime thinking about it! it can be fun, feel free to call me and we can chat about it!!

my brother's list is pretty basic...virtuous and hardworking (with a little frugality added in :)

maybe i shouldn't post my (constantly changing) list but here goes:

honors priesthood

does not have a temper

can be spontaneous

will to/quick to serve others

sense of humor

wants to be happy, smiles

hardworking

enjoys small things

makes goals, completes goals

strong

there are other things like - willing to work on the relationship, open minded/not judgey, wants to be a father, etc. making the list is way hard. but i'm working on it. i also do think having the knockout or no go list is important too. for me big ones would be - does not like my family (not that it's possible to not like my family :) and is quick to anger.

anyway...what's on your list? if you're married, what are qualities that you love/appreciate about your spouse? help a girl out yeah? :)

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

my old boss (and relationship guru) teresa recommended this book to me and stated i had to read it before getting into another relationship. she said that over a year ago...yikes!! i'm going to assume that's the reason why i've been boyfriend-less all this time :)

so all you boys out there, nay all you MEN out there i've read the book and i'm ready for you.

ha.

anyways so for my take on the book. it lays out 10 rules:

1. you must love yourself first

2. partnering is a choice

3. creating love is a process

4. relationships provide opportunities to grow

5. communication is essential

6. negotiation will be required

7. your relationship will be challenged by change

8. you must nurture the relationship for it to thrive

9. renewal is the key to longevity

10. you will forget all this the moment you fall in love

under the chapter 'you must love yourself first' it talks about self fulfilling prophecies. for example if you believe you aren't special you won't be treated as special. essentially you need to accept yourself and yes love yourself. build up your self worth.

this is definitely something i should be working on. unfortunately my self esteem has been a wee bit low lately. the first step to over coming this is acknowledging this fact yeah?

there is this amazing article by sheri dew from the 2001 byu women's conference titled 'knowing who you are - and who you have always been' [link ]. i think women should probably read it at least once of month.

"if we could comprehend how glorious a righteous woman made perfect in the celestial kingdom will be, we would rise up and never be the same again"

"my dear sisters, will you seek to remember with the help of the holy ghost who you are and who you have always been? will you remember that you stood by our savior without flinching? remember that you were reserved for now because you would have the courage and determination to face the world at its worst and to help rear and lead a chosen generation. remember the covenants you have made and the power they carry. remember that you are noble and great and a potential heir of all our father has. remember that you are the daughter of a king."

powerful stuff yeah? i'm not sure exactly how to truly build self worth. yes the book talks about treating yourself how others should treat you, self care, blah-blah-blah...but remembering our divine nature is probably going to uplift us the most.

so ladies, i think you're gorgeous, amazing, brilliant but most importantly you are loved...just as you are :)

p.s.

this post took a life of its own so i'll do more of the book later.

p.p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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those little life lessons

at my church today a boy told two interesting encounters he had with his mother:

this boy had taken some money that was set aside for hot lunches at school. he used it to buy nachos (a guilty pleasure i can understand) and eventually felt guilty enough that he had to come clean to his mom.

he pulled his mom into the living room and tearfully confessed. he gave her the money he had set aside for a nerf gun (classic) and apologize again and again.

he said his mother pulled him into a hug and said, "i'm most proud of my kids when they are sorry."

this is what i found interesting... [1] she didn't fixate on the fact that he had stolen, etc (which i guess you don't have to do if you're kid has already come clean) and instead [2] focused on reinforcing the good actions. [3] extrapolate this to our heavenly father and savior. imagine how proud they are of us when we are repentant and striving to improve ourselves.

i had a discussion with a friend this weekend and he kept saying 'we'll never be perfect in this lifetime' which isn't an invitation to give up but instead an invitation to take every mistake and learn from it.

our heavenly father is most proud when we are sorry :)

--------------------

the second story took place while this boy was living with his family in japan. it was his junior year of high school and he was pretty bitter about giving up his life in the states to live abroad.

everyday he'd come home and complain to his mom about how he had the worst day. again and again he'd come home and do this until one day his mom turned to him and said, "when are you ever going to have a good day?" she then turned and left the room.

the boy said he sat there steaming. still frustrated about his situation and now annoyed with his mom for not allowing him to validate himself.

he said the next day he came home and before beginning his tirade on how awful his day was he said that he thought of one thing good that happened to tell his mom. the next day he did the same thing. he kept finding the good things that eventually he stopped looking for them. he was actually having good days.

this is what i found interesting...[1] his mom didn't try to convince him that things were good. i do think that for some people pointing out the positive is necessary but it was much more effective in this case to set him up to find out the good things himself. [2] she taught him that happiness can be a choice...imagine if we all learned that lesson at 16?

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fight fight fight

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glow sticks!

i've totally been feeling this way lately. geared up and excited for life when inevitably something says...'yeah that's not happening'. i'm going to be stubborn though and keep getting pumped up about life. care to join in? :)

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