if love is a game, these are the rules

so later on in chapter 4, relationships provide opportunities to grow, i learned that i have porous boundaries and to fix this need to stand up for myself. nice to know, harder to fix.

then on into chapter 5, communicating is essential. totally...this one is HUGE for me. they actually provide 10 steps:

1. know what you want to communicate

2. know what outcome you want from the conversation

3. chose the right time and place

4. release the emotion surrounding the message

5. set the stage

6. speak from your feelings (not judgments)

7. deliver message in syntax and language the recipient can understand

8. ask for information, clarification, and feedback

9. switch roles as necessary

10. obtain closure

historically for me i know i need to focus on what i want to communicate and what i want the communication to result in (steps 1 & 2). if it's a serious topic i tend to get anxious, lose my train of thought and eventually back down (enter in standing up for myself :)

so to help i have tried to write out what i want to communicate. i have done this many times with the idea that if i just tell him these things it will get better...not true. i need to also figure out what i want the outcome to be (the actual goal of communicating).

the book reminds you that if your communication does break down it's important to 'figure out what went wrong' and 'take responsibility'.

try to eliminate assumptions, which rob us of the communication process and overall just make everything really messy. if you keep assuming that you know your significant other well enough to know their opinion and then your wrong it's like a double punch to the face.

to fix it? awareness, examination and communication. wait, assuming is a faulty type of communication and communication is how you fix it? brilliant. essentially the book gives an example that you need to spell it out for your significant other sometimes. if you want roses for valentines day you probably should say so.

when communicating it's muy importante to withhold judgement and react without being defensive. woah.

"a safe and supportive environment opens the lines of communication and deepens the intimacy between the partners, while a threatening environment shuts down communication and creates a gap between them"

to make the environment safe? withhold judgement

another goodie..."if you encourage your partner to tell the truth, you must in turn be willing to hear it" zing.

listening to a point of view other than your own does not automatically invalidate your point of view.

those moments when you need to withhold judgement or the gut instinct to become defensive "are the moments you must chose in a split second whether to take a step toward intimacy by listening without judging or toward damage by reacting with defensiveness, anger or criticism."

a huge thing that i need to learn to do is be able to tell someone what i want (refer to top and standing up for myself :) the book recommends that you practice exercising your I WANT muscle. start small. i don't want to watch that show, i want ice cream (for future reference prior statement is always true), etc.

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

chapter 2 - partnering is a choice

what does that mean? you need to take action and be decisive.

i'm guilty once again. i'm not quite the go getter when it comes to relationships. i historically have let what happens happens.

i now know that i need to take action. first, know what i want. second, create my vision. third, recognize what might be in my way. and fourth, manifest my intention.

one thing i loved about this chapter is the 'sample list' they provide. an imaginary girl 'jennifer' lists things that her significant other must have, her wish list and knock outs.

must haves are self explanatory...the person must possess those traits or it's a no go. wish list are items that would be nice if that person possessed but not completely necessary (example loves to travel). knock outs are items that if possessed allow you to easily recognize that they aren't for you.

since reading this i've been casually asking people what some of their 'must haves' are. most people don't have a set list...if you are one of those i encourage you to spend sometime thinking about it! it can be fun, feel free to call me and we can chat about it!!

my brother's list is pretty basic...virtuous and hardworking (with a little frugality added in :)

maybe i shouldn't post my (constantly changing) list but here goes:

honors priesthood

does not have a temper

can be spontaneous

will to/quick to serve others

sense of humor

wants to be happy, smiles

hardworking

enjoys small things

makes goals, completes goals

strong

there are other things like - willing to work on the relationship, open minded/not judgey, wants to be a father, etc. making the list is way hard. but i'm working on it. i also do think having the knockout or no go list is important too. for me big ones would be - does not like my family (not that it's possible to not like my family :) and is quick to anger.

anyway...what's on your list? if you're married, what are qualities that you love/appreciate about your spouse? help a girl out yeah? :)

p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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if love is a game, these are the rules

my old boss (and relationship guru) teresa recommended this book to me and stated i had to read it before getting into another relationship. she said that over a year ago...yikes!! i'm going to assume that's the reason why i've been boyfriend-less all this time :)

so all you boys out there, nay all you MEN out there i've read the book and i'm ready for you.

ha.

anyways so for my take on the book. it lays out 10 rules:

1. you must love yourself first

2. partnering is a choice

3. creating love is a process

4. relationships provide opportunities to grow

5. communication is essential

6. negotiation will be required

7. your relationship will be challenged by change

8. you must nurture the relationship for it to thrive

9. renewal is the key to longevity

10. you will forget all this the moment you fall in love

under the chapter 'you must love yourself first' it talks about self fulfilling prophecies. for example if you believe you aren't special you won't be treated as special. essentially you need to accept yourself and yes love yourself. build up your self worth.

this is definitely something i should be working on. unfortunately my self esteem has been a wee bit low lately. the first step to over coming this is acknowledging this fact yeah?

there is this amazing article by sheri dew from the 2001 byu women's conference titled 'knowing who you are - and who you have always been' [link ]. i think women should probably read it at least once of month.

"if we could comprehend how glorious a righteous woman made perfect in the celestial kingdom will be, we would rise up and never be the same again"

"my dear sisters, will you seek to remember with the help of the holy ghost who you are and who you have always been? will you remember that you stood by our savior without flinching? remember that you were reserved for now because you would have the courage and determination to face the world at its worst and to help rear and lead a chosen generation. remember the covenants you have made and the power they carry. remember that you are noble and great and a potential heir of all our father has. remember that you are the daughter of a king."

powerful stuff yeah? i'm not sure exactly how to truly build self worth. yes the book talks about treating yourself how others should treat you, self care, blah-blah-blah...but remembering our divine nature is probably going to uplift us the most.

so ladies, i think you're gorgeous, amazing, brilliant but most importantly you are loved...just as you are :)

p.s.

this post took a life of its own so i'll do more of the book later.

p.p.s.

if love is a game, these are the rules - posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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those little life lessons

at my church today a boy told two interesting encounters he had with his mother:

this boy had taken some money that was set aside for hot lunches at school. he used it to buy nachos (a guilty pleasure i can understand) and eventually felt guilty enough that he had to come clean to his mom.

he pulled his mom into the living room and tearfully confessed. he gave her the money he had set aside for a nerf gun (classic) and apologize again and again.

he said his mother pulled him into a hug and said, "i'm most proud of my kids when they are sorry."

this is what i found interesting... [1] she didn't fixate on the fact that he had stolen, etc (which i guess you don't have to do if you're kid has already come clean) and instead [2] focused on reinforcing the good actions. [3] extrapolate this to our heavenly father and savior. imagine how proud they are of us when we are repentant and striving to improve ourselves.

i had a discussion with a friend this weekend and he kept saying 'we'll never be perfect in this lifetime' which isn't an invitation to give up but instead an invitation to take every mistake and learn from it.

our heavenly father is most proud when we are sorry :)

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the second story took place while this boy was living with his family in japan. it was his junior year of high school and he was pretty bitter about giving up his life in the states to live abroad.

everyday he'd come home and complain to his mom about how he had the worst day. again and again he'd come home and do this until one day his mom turned to him and said, "when are you ever going to have a good day?" she then turned and left the room.

the boy said he sat there steaming. still frustrated about his situation and now annoyed with his mom for not allowing him to validate himself.

he said the next day he came home and before beginning his tirade on how awful his day was he said that he thought of one thing good that happened to tell his mom. the next day he did the same thing. he kept finding the good things that eventually he stopped looking for them. he was actually having good days.

this is what i found interesting...[1] his mom didn't try to convince him that things were good. i do think that for some people pointing out the positive is necessary but it was much more effective in this case to set him up to find out the good things himself. [2] she taught him that happiness can be a choice...imagine if we all learned that lesson at 16?

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fight fight fight

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